For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again. 2 Corinthians 5:14-15

Sunday, September 21, 2014

My baby is six today!

This time six years ago, I was at the hospital. That was nothing new because I'd been at the hospital frequently with a little one who was itching to burst into the world early. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

In January of 2008, my husband and I had three children. Oldest was one month shy of 12, middle child was 10, and youngest was 7 years old.  My husband and I decided we wanted to try for another baby. A few months prior to this, I had been diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) which is the main cause of infertility in women...though I'd never struggled with infertility before. Now that I had this diagnosis, we didn't know if we'd successfully conceive. Well. We did! We were very excited! I still remember the day we told the first person. We had a birthday party for our youngest, who just turned 7. I decided to tell my cousin, Ashley, that we were trying for a baby. She probably thought I was nuts, but she was very gracious and appeared truly excited for me. I still remember this so clearly.

When it was confirmed that I was expecting, we got a lot of "Are you crazy?!" type of comments. "You're starting all over again??"  Really, all over again? I didn't see what the big deal was, nor did my husband and I care about the opinion of others. We. Were. Super. Excited!

I wanted to have a homebirth, something I had never had. It sounded lovely and wonderful and natural. My husband was not cool with that. What if....and so I respected his decision, which turned out to be a huge blessing, praise God. More on that later. 

My pregnancy consisted of gaining so much weight, I gave Shamu a run for her money, laying around watching episodes of George Lopez, watching every single baby show imaginable and praying. Lots of praying because I was 31 years old, with PCOS and insulin resistance. I remember telling my midwife that I didn't want an amniocentesis done on me because we'd be having this baby no matter what.

I was so excited about this pregnancy. I wanted things to be different from my others. I wanted my water to break on its own, something that didn't happen with the others. And, more than anything, I wanted to be able to successfully nurse my baby, something I had tried with the others, but quit due to the intense pain it caused me.

My little firecracker was due to arrive on October 15th. Well. LOL is all I will say about that. Starting in July, I felt like this pregnancy was different. In August, we began our frequent trips to Labor and Delivery because I was having contractions. They'd monitor me, give me shots of turbutaline/brethine to stop labor and send me home. After a few of these trips, my doctor put me on procardia, which is a heart medication that I was to take daily until I reached the safe point in my pregnancy. 

Finally, September rolled around and I was still going to L&D anytime I was having contractions. I was actually in the hospital on Saturday, September 20th, but nothing progressed so I was sent home. Sunday, September 21st, we drove back because this was just not normal. I was in pain with contractions. I was hoping they'd admit me because we live far away from the hospital and my labors are short (really...last baby was here in 1 hour and 17 minutes. Short labors.) I did not want to give birth on the way, no siree.

So on Sunday, September 21st, I was at the hospital and something was not right. Come one, this ain't my first rodeo, so I knew it was just weird but couldn't put my finger on it. My parents were there, as were my husband and children. My father kept pushing me to let them give me something for the pain. I was growing so agitated because I wanted a completely drug-free birth. They decided to admit me to the hospital but the midwife said they had time to go home and we could call them when things got more exciting. My parents left with my children, except for my middle child. My oldest daughter was 10 at the time and had watched the baby shows with me. She was born a little mama and wanted desperately to be in the room when I gave birth, which I agreed to. So she stayed at the hospital with me and my husband.

Well, my husband left the room and went outside to call his mother and probably to smoke. I went to the bathroom and all of a sudden there was a gush. My first though was, "Yay! What an answer to prayer. That must be what it feels like to have your water break on its own." but as I looked in the toilet, I could see how very wrong I was. It was blood, gushing, filling up the toilet. I freaked out a little. I don't remember this from the other labors, I thought. So I pulled the cord for the nurses to come and as I was hobbling back to my bed, I noticed I was bleeding all over the floor.

This is not normal. I told my daughter to run outside and get Daddy quickly! The nurses came and put me in the bed and it gets kinda blurry after this. My husband and daughter were back in the room and everything seemed kinda slow motion to me. I remember asking what was happening and was my baby ok, but in a calm manner, almost outside of myself. Then they were wheeling my bed out, telling me I was having an emergency c-section. I looked at my daughter and felt so terribly heartbroken for her, that she would miss out on seeing her baby sister be born. I remember telling her how sorry I was that she couldn't witness it.

Next thing, I am in an operating room. My husband was outside the room being instructed on how to scrub up (or whatever they call getting into scrubs.) While I was there by myself, the nurse and anesthesiologist were talking to each other, not me. I specifically remember the anesthesiologist asking if there was a heartbeat. For one split second, the implications of that question shocked me. For one split second. Because the nurse didn't answer right away. But then I was washed over with peace. I had prayed for this baby my entire pregnancy. My baby girl was gonna be just fine! Yes, there was a heartbeat. So I received a spinal or epidural, I forget which one.

My husband came in and I remember telling him he looked like a duck because he was all in yellow scrubs. I remember telling them I was going to throw up, but the assured me that disgusting medicine they just had me drink prevented that. Nope, I threw up. I remember wishing there wasn't a curtain blocking my belly so I could see what was happening. I would tell my husband to look every so often and he did. Afterwards, he confessed to me that that was tons of blood just pouring out of me and he was freaked out.

And then she was born. All mamas wait to hear that cry, that beautiful sound that lets us know our baby is alive. She didn't cry right away, but once she did, it was a healthy cry. I could not hold her right away but they showed her to me. She was taken to the NICU. I had prayed my entire pregnancy and things were going so differently than with my other pregnancies. I was so sad she was separated from me. I wanted to nurse her. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to breathe in her heavenly baby scent and feel her warm, little body.

She was born on a Monday, shortly after midnight. She stayed in the NICU, separated from me until Thursday. It was torture trying to go see her. At first, they wheeled me in the wheelchair, but part of my healing meant that I had to eventually get up and walk that looooong hallway to get to see my baby. The first time I saw her, she was hooked up to tubes and I remember feeling so sad. I didn't really understand what had happened. You see, I had placenta abruption. This means, the placenta tore off the wall of my uterus and that is how the baby gets oxygen and nourishment from mama. They were running tests on her to make sure she was ok. There was blood in her stool and they didn't know if it was hers or if she has just swallowed some of mine because, from what I heard, blood was gushing everywhere from me.

I was a bit discouraged as a lay in my own room, in extreme pain. The recovery of a c-section is NOTHING like the recovery from a natural, vaginal delivery. I was in extreme pain. I was discouraged. I knew they were giving her bottles and I was starting to lose hope that I'd be able to nurse her. They encouraged me to pump and I'd send my measly milk to the NICU and they'd add it to her formula.

Finally, on Thursday the 25th, we were able to come home. I continued to pump and give her my milk in a bottle, while still offering her to nurse from me. Finally, on the 26th, I decided I would not offer her a bottle anymore and that the only way to get her used to nursing strictly from me, was to only provide...me. :-)

To shorten this, it was painful, but we persevered. I nursed my baby girl until she was two years old! I give God the glory for that answered prayer and giving me the strength to keep at it!

My baby girl will be six years old in a few hours. Her personality has been very similar to how she was in the womb: excited, hyper, high energy, stubborn, gotta get up and go go go. She wanted to get here early and she did. She will be a girl who knows what she wants and goes after it. She is my firecracker. She is smart, smart, smart, too, which is a blessing because placenta abruption can cause developmental problems. I do see some....quirkiness...that I am sure might have been a product of her traumatic birth, but she is who she is and she is a joy to us. She is not only super smart, but extremely funny. Her memory astounds me.

I've never regretted having her "so far apart from the others" as some have suggested. I can't imagine my life without her. She is strong-willed and knows what she wants. She has taught me patience and how to show grace and acceptance to those who are different, even though they look "normal."  I am a better mother because of her.

Because I have other children, I am well aware of how quickly they grow. Before I know it, she will be an adult, out in the big world, telling people what to do and making her dreams come true LOL! I don't ever want to squelch her strong-willed character because it's a good quality. It's tenacity. If properly guided, it means she won't go with the flow and that is a good thing. She wasn't going with the flow when she was in my belly either. She dances to the beat of her own drum and I love her for that.

So Happy Birthday to my sweet baby girl. I thank God for His protection over you in my womb and in your life. I thank God for choosing me to be your mama. You continue to teach me so much and make me proud. I love you my sweet, crazy T-bird!







Thank you, Lord, for the sweet blessing of ALL my children. I cannot thank You enough for allowing me to be the mama to my fabulous four. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you for giving my husband the wisdom to share his concerns about homebirth with me. My doctor told me that had I not already been at the hospital, my baby would have very likely died because we don't live near it. I needed a blood transfusion and possibly would have died as well. Thank You for giving him that wisdom. I'm so glad I listened and submitted to his desires.

For His glory alone,
genesis

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Ghosts from the past...

If you came to know Christ as an adult, it's likely you have experienced what I am blogging about.  You know, your friends and family who know who you used to be will talk. Maybe not to your face. Maybe there will be whispered conversations behind your back..."Oh that Suzy, all high and mighty now. Remember when she used to..........(fill in the blank)? Those Christians are such hypocrites." Giggle, giggle.

Really, do you think Suzy somehow forgot she used to be so high on meth that she neglected her children?

Do you think Amy somehow forgot that she used to swing around a pole for money, soaking up the attention and money because it was the only time in her life she felt loved?

Do you think Jane somehow forgot how she used to smack her child in the face when she was in a drunken rage?

Do you think Heather somehow forgot about that abortion she had long ago?

Do you think Melissa somehow forgot about that time she had an affair?

I honestly believe people do this for a few reasons. First, some people are so hurt over their own past mistakes that they cannot bear to confront them so it's easier to focus on the mistakes of others. It also makes them feel better about their own past (or current) sins. But secondly, some people are just hostile to Christ and those who belong to Him. They are always on the ready to pounce on anyone who claims to follow Him, ready to toss out all of their old garbage.  Ready to shout, "Hypocrite, hypocrite! All Christians are hypocrites!"

Friends, when you are reminded of your past, do not for a second start accepting those old labels! That you has died, my friend. DIED! So when a friend or relative says, "Hey Suzy, why you act so high and mighty now when we remember how you used to be high on meth all the time and your kids were taken away from you?"  resist the urge to feel hurt, angry and offended. You will want to defend yourself against this cruelty. After your angry, defensive outburst, you might start feeling discouraged, thinking, "Yeah, I do remember that. I am a horrible person."  NO! That is exactly what the devil WANTS you to do and he is using your friend/relative to bring about those feelings of shame in you.

Instead, this is the perfect opportunity to praise God for the work He has done in you. You put on a big ole smile, raise your hands up in praise to the One who changed you, and say, "I KNOW, RIGHT?!?!?! Hallelujah and praise God for saving someone like ME!"  Knocks the the wind right out of their sails, the devil pouts, AND, best of all, you used the opportunity to praise the mighty God who loved us enough to set us free from those sins.

You are not who you used to be. Neither am I. Praise God!

2 Corinthians 5:17
 Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

For His glory alone,

gen


Wednesday, February 19, 2014

When your heart is walking around outside your body...

“Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ”
Elizabeth Stone

This is so true. Truer than true. In fact, if you are a mama, you are nodding your head because you KNOW this is true.

As I lay in bed tonight with my five year old by my side, so many memories were just flashing through my mind.

 My oldest child recently turned eighteen. I know the cliche...how can this be? But it's so true. It goes by so very fast. 

The memories are so vivid, like it was really yesterday, yet it wasn't. I am standing at the changing table, changing his diaper. He used to get this horrible rash under his neck, probably because he was so chunky. But there was a box of cornstarch on the changing table because that is what my mother told me to use. So I'm standing there, changing my chunky monkey, putting the cornstarch under his neck while I just chit chat and talk sweetly to him, like all mamas do. This memory is so vivid to me that I'm in that room right now, that room with the dark green carpet. 

I did not get much sleep when he was a baby because he wanted to be held all the time. The memories of rocking him to sleep, being sleep deprived, walking him to his crib (why didn't I know about co-sleeping then?) and bending my whole upper body into the crib, still holding him very close to me, while laying him down in his crib. I would linger, still close to him...I guess to try to fake him out like I was still holding him. Then I'd slowly and very quietly lift myself up, waiting to see if he'd cry or if he'd really stay sleeping. 

Seriously, I remember this like it was yesterday. How does that work? How can eighteen years seem like yesterday? 

I remember finding out I was pregnant. It was just me and my dog at home. I was so excited. I still remember that feeling of thinking, "Wow!" That was the day I started wearing my seat belt. It was instinctive to me...I am now responsible for another human being. I need to protect his life fiercely!

I remember being so very sick during my first trimester of pregnancy. I couldn't hold down any food. Doctors said try crackers, try ginger ale...I threw up every.single.thing I ingested, even water. I lost weight. I never cared. I was still so thrilled to have new life inside me. I just hoped the baby was ok and was healthy despite me losing weight and being so sick. I was a young mom so I didn't understand it was normal. Oh and I quickly made up for the weight I lost, trust me. 

I remember being in the K-mart parking lot on the corner of Dale Mabry and Columbus. Very close to my due date and everyone was laughing because my feet were so swollen I had to wear slippers. 

I remember my appointments at the clinic I went to. It was kinda far away. I still remember driving down there in my little Nissan Pulsar. I can envision the buildings along the street and everything. How can I envision the interior of the car, the feel of the seat? 

I see a little boy running around in Spiderman underwear, with his homemade wooden sword. I see a little boy wearing a Spiderman glove that had sound effects.  I see a little boy playing with his Buzz Lightyear..the wings came out and everything. I see a little boy wearing an oversized T-shirt, sitting in his special chair, watching Johnny Bravo and Powerpuff Girls. 

I see a little boy, 21 months old, throwing a plastic cup at his new baby sister because he was used to being the only one and now mama is in the rocking chair with her. This sister is now his best friend. 

I see a little boy in the pool, riding on Daddy's back while he goes underwater..

Is this a gift only a mother has? To look at someone and see them as they are now, but also as they were then? 

I tell you, I lay there in bed tonight, memories going crazy and the tears were streaming. They are right now. 

Motherhood is such an interesting thing. It is my opinion that, aside from the gift of salvation (to which nothing compares), becoming a mother is the greatest gift God has given me. It is hard to be a mother.

In every season, it is hard. Whether you are in the Terrible Twos, Terrifying Threes, Fearsome Fours or EEEEK eighteens, it is hard. It's one of those things that is hard, though you never regret it. And once you are past whatever season you are in, you look back and it's like you blinked. You can never get that season back. I will never again stand over my infant son, putting cornstarch on his neck. Oh I am sobbing here! My heart just hurts! The emotions of a mother can only be understood by other mothers.

When you are tired of your child's toys being all over the place, remember, that season will be over sooner than you think! There will come a day when there are no little ponies on the floor, no barbies all over the place. 

There will come a day when I don't hear loud guitar coming from behind a closed door...when I don't see a light on at two in the morning and sigh, "Why can't he go to bed at a decent hour?" because one day, it will only be dark in there. No light will be shining from underneath the door. Are you crying with me, here? 

And mothers of children who are ready to spread their wings and fly, we sit and worry because we know our kids are going to be out there doing what human beings do..doing what we did (well, hopefully not everything we did.) And that is, make mistakes. 

And we sit here with all the answers because we have been there and we have gained knowledge over the years and if only they would listen to us, we could save them some heartache, some shame, some regrets.

They will learn.  Maybe the hard way, but they will learn. 

I have come to the conclusion that God is sovereign. Profound, huh? No really, if God pursued me and found me and transformed me, a girl who grew up not knowing a thing about Him, than He is certainly watching over my children and is working everything out according to His plan for His glory. Will it be painless? No. Mothers, if you have raised your children in the Lord----and if you know me you know I don't mean "going to church" because that's only part of it---then join me. Join me in resting in the knowledge that God's word does not come back void. Join me in resting in the knowledge that faith is believing in what's not seen..that things don't have to look all peachy all the time, but we still believe God is doing a work in our kids (and in us...having children has taught me so much!) Join me in handing our worries over to the only One who can do anything with them. 

“Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ”
Elizabeth Stone

Yes, we mamas have to watch our hearts go walking around outside our bodies. Making mistakes, sometimes very painful ones. Being hurt. Facing consequences. 

But realize that, like the sleepless nights and the toys all over the floor, this is just a season. Our kids have to figure out life for themselves. They will remember what they have been taught. Don't think they have forgotten just because you don't see them living it right away. And remember to love them with your actions, not just your words. You might hate their music. So what, love them. You might hate their choice of language. So what, love them. You might hate their boyfriend or girlfriend. So what, love them. You might hate the movie they just said they watched. So what, love them. 

I see a little boy in his Spiderman undies who, right before my very eyes turned into a young man, ready to go out into the world. He will never again sit in that chair, watching Johnny Bravo or Powerpuff Girls. I am excited about what his future holds because I know Who holds his future. 

I love you so very much, son. You are my heart walking around outside of my body.

Mamas, cherish every moment, good, bad, heartwarming or annoying...it will be gone before you know it! 

For His glory alone,
genesis

 

 


Friday, January 17, 2014

Why faith should NOT be a private matter.

First of all, as someone who is eternally grateful that Jesus rescued me from the pit of hell, how can I not exude this gratefulness and shout it from the rooftops? Just had to get that out of the way right up front.

I have heard it said many times that faith should be a private matter. I find this to be even more evidence that man does not want God's moral standards imposed on him.

Let's think about this:

If I found out I was dying with Stage IV cancer and there was nothing they could do to save me...
I was dying...
I had had all the advanced treatment they could give me...
I was dying...
I was saying my good-byes to my family and friends...
Looking at my children, knowing they would be without their mama...
Looking at my husband who would be without his partner in crime, his best friend.....(ok, we really don't commit crimes together for all my fellow literal friends.)

When something amazing happened! I was given a cure and just in time! Who would scoff at the cure in this situation? Who would say, "Oh, I'm too smart for that. That won't really work. That's a fairytale." Who would refuse this life-saving cure? Hmmm...not me! I mean, I was dying. It was INEVITABLE. I was going to DIE. Leave my family and friends and be separated from them. FOR.EV.ER.  (Does anyone else think of the Sandlot when they say that?)

Ok, seriously. That is life, folks. We are ALL lost without Him...Him being The Lord Jesus Christ who is God in the flesh who came down to save us from our sins so we could be with Him forever!

Keep your faith to yourself...
Why are you shoving that down my throat....

Excuse me, can I please shove the cure for cancer down your throat that you might HAVE LIFE?

I cannot keep my faith to myself. EVERY born again believer who has been rescued from the pit of Hell should exude JESUS in such a way that there is no doubt what we believe and to Whom we belong. But that doesn't mean just living life, my friends. True, it should be evident by our lives that we serve the risen King of Kings but no...that's not all.

We MUST repent of our fear of man. As long as we fear the opinion of man, we will not be salty, we will be hiding our light and we will be of little use to the Kingdom. Oh sure, our Mighty God can still use us...I believe that. But think of our witness when we shake off our fear of man and instead start fearing God, the One who loved us to come die for us so we could be with Him forever.

God haters will always have special words for those who live out their faith lovingly and with boldness rather than "keeping it to themselves." 

Arrogant....
Religious nut....
Fruit loop...
Idiot...

Don't let this deter you. Live for Him, tell others about this Cure, the ONLY cure for DEATH, my friends. If you would be shouting off the rooftops when you found the cure for terminal cancer yet remain silent about your faith, what does this imply? If we fear men, why would we be Christians?

Galatians 1:10
 For do I now persuade men, or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I still pleased men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ.

Proverbs 29:25 says,
"The fear of man brings a snare,
But whoever trusts in the Lord shall be safe."

The fear of man certainly does bring a snare. The fear of man keeps us quiet. The fear of man forces us to keep our faith a private matter. In essence, it forces us to stop being salty, to hide our light under a bowl. To hide.
To be ashamed of Jesus.

Loving the praise of man isn't a new thing.
John 12:42-43
 Nevertheless even among the rulers many believed in Him, but because of the Pharisees they did not confess Him, lest they should be put out of the synagogue; for they loved the praise of men more than the praise of God.

You are a new creation in Christ. The old you, the one who is afraid of what people think, has died. You know the Cure, the life-saving Cure. If we really believe it, there is no way we can keep our faith a private matter.  Not when we know the reality that awaits those who don't have the Cure. There is just no way. 

For His glory alone,
genesis

Friday, January 3, 2014

What did I learn in 2013?

I am not one to make New Year's Resolutions however I do like to look back on my year to reflect on what I've learned. I can then pray about those things and ask the Lord to help me in those areas.

*I learned that I'm still too trusting and naive. I am thirty-six years old yet I still believe that people who are supposed to be trustworthy and keep things confidential, whether it's because their job title requires them to or because you think they're that close of a friend, still fail. This is not a "poor me" statement. Yes, I've been hurt and betrayed. As sad and disappointed as I was by this, I saw a silver lining in that, I am at a better place in my walk with the Lord. That's not to say I've arrived, not  by any means. There is still much work to be done in me and I know the Lord is faithfully pruning what needs to be pruned in me. But there was a time when I'd be so angry by betrayals of this sort. Now, I feel sorry for this person. Genuinely, not in a sarcastic way. I feel sad that this person should know not to gossip and should know to keep things confidential but this person cannot do so. I know to pray for this person. I look at this person as someone who falls short and needs grace. That is a huge thing! We all need grace! I am actually thankful for this experience and for the way that the Lord is teaching me to have more grace for people. Sure, it hurts, but the lesson must be learned. If I want people to show me grace, I must learn to extend grace to others. That can only happen by them failing me or hurting me in some way. There would be no other way for people to NEED grace so the hurt must occur first.

How will I fix this flaw in myself, this flaw of being too trusting? I don't know. I can't fix me. I will have to keep praying, studying God's Word, and trusting that the Lord is doing a great work in me over time. I wish there was an easy fix, that I could just do x,y, and z and suddenly be very wise and know who to trust but that's not realistic. For now, I know I will be very guarded. Even among people who are supposed to be the most trustworthy. Especially people who are supposed to be most trustworthy. I will keep sharing things with the Lord. He is the only one who will never let us down.

*I learned that I am not the things I was told I am. The Lord is faithfully and patiently working to show me this because when you hear things often, you wonder if there is truth to them. I am an only child. I've heard the, "You're a spoiled only child. You only care about yourself." thing quite a few times in my life. Quite a few times. I've heard some manipulative things from people who acted like my whole existence was due to them and I should bow and worship them forever, no matter what evil things they did to me in return, because I owed them everything. Through personal events, the Lord is showing me that I am not selfish. He's showing me that I absolutely care more about others than myself and that I put others above me, "considering them better than me", if you will.  He is showing me those people lied, they are liars and manipulators. Their words do not define me. Their words do not even come close to describing me. Who knows me better, inside and out, than the Lord? My Lord, who has seen everything I've ever done, every thought I've ever thought and died for me? And loves me? No, I am not defined by what people think. Thank You, Lord, for teaching me THAT. 

*I have learned that God can make an unbearable situation bearable if we trust Him and lean on Him like crazy! No other details about this, but I can't wait to come back in a year and read this to re-evaluate. My God is so faithful!

There are many things I learned this past year and I decided to write about just these few. I am thankful to the Lord for getting me through the year, for never letting me down, for never turning His back on me, for being the One I can count on ALWAYS. I can't imagine how I'd get though life without Him. This new year will bring some changes, it will bring a new season in my life, but I don't have to fear because my God already has things under control and will never leave me. I am His ever grateful servant! <3 

May your 2014 be full of good health, spiritual growth,and blessings in whatever form they may come. Just remember...sometimes they don't look like blessings at first. Trust and have faith.

For His glory alone,
genesis