When your heart is walking around outside your body...

“Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ”
Elizabeth Stone

This is so true. Truer than true. In fact, if you are a mama, you are nodding your head because you KNOW this is true.

As I lay in bed tonight with my five year old by my side, so many memories were just flashing through my mind.

 My oldest child recently turned eighteen. I know the cliche...how can this be? But it's so true. It goes by so very fast. 

The memories are so vivid, like it was really yesterday, yet it wasn't. I am standing at the changing table, changing his diaper. He used to get this horrible rash under his neck, probably because he was so chunky. But there was a box of cornstarch on the changing table because that is what my mother told me to use. So I'm standing there, changing my chunky monkey, putting the cornstarch under his neck while I just chit chat and talk sweetly to him, like all mamas do. This memory is so vivid to me that I'm in that room right now, that room with the dark green carpet. 

I did not get much sleep when he was a baby because he wanted to be held all the time. The memories of rocking him to sleep, being sleep deprived, walking him to his crib (why didn't I know about co-sleeping then?) and bending my whole upper body into the crib, still holding him very close to me, while laying him down in his crib. I would linger, still close to him...I guess to try to fake him out like I was still holding him. Then I'd slowly and very quietly lift myself up, waiting to see if he'd cry or if he'd really stay sleeping. 

Seriously, I remember this like it was yesterday. How does that work? How can eighteen years seem like yesterday? 

I remember finding out I was pregnant. It was just me and my dog at home. I was so excited. I still remember that feeling of thinking, "Wow!" That was the day I started wearing my seat belt. It was instinctive to me...I am now responsible for another human being. I need to protect his life fiercely!

I remember being so very sick during my first trimester of pregnancy. I couldn't hold down any food. Doctors said try crackers, try ginger ale...I threw up every.single.thing I ingested, even water. I lost weight. I never cared. I was still so thrilled to have new life inside me. I just hoped the baby was ok and was healthy despite me losing weight and being so sick. I was a young mom so I didn't understand it was normal. Oh and I quickly made up for the weight I lost, trust me. 

I remember being in the K-mart parking lot on the corner of Dale Mabry and Columbus. Very close to my due date and everyone was laughing because my feet were so swollen I had to wear slippers. 

I remember my appointments at the clinic I went to. It was kinda far away. I still remember driving down there in my little Nissan Pulsar. I can envision the buildings along the street and everything. How can I envision the interior of the car, the feel of the seat? 

I see a little boy running around in Spiderman underwear, with his homemade wooden sword. I see a little boy wearing a Spiderman glove that had sound effects.  I see a little boy playing with his Buzz Lightyear..the wings came out and everything. I see a little boy wearing an oversized T-shirt, sitting in his special chair, watching Johnny Bravo and Powerpuff Girls. 

I see a little boy, 21 months old, throwing a plastic cup at his new baby sister because he was used to being the only one and now mama is in the rocking chair with her. This sister is now his best friend. 

I see a little boy in the pool, riding on Daddy's back while he goes underwater..

Is this a gift only a mother has? To look at someone and see them as they are now, but also as they were then? 

I tell you, I lay there in bed tonight, memories going crazy and the tears were streaming. They are right now. 

Motherhood is such an interesting thing. It is my opinion that, aside from the gift of salvation (to which nothing compares), becoming a mother is the greatest gift God has given me. It is hard to be a mother.

In every season, it is hard. Whether you are in the Terrible Twos, Terrifying Threes, Fearsome Fours or EEEEK eighteens, it is hard. It's one of those things that is hard, though you never regret it. And once you are past whatever season you are in, you look back and it's like you blinked. You can never get that season back. I will never again stand over my infant son, putting cornstarch on his neck. Oh I am sobbing here! My heart just hurts! The emotions of a mother can only be understood by other mothers.

When you are tired of your child's toys being all over the place, remember, that season will be over sooner than you think! There will come a day when there are no little ponies on the floor, no barbies all over the place. 

There will come a day when I don't hear loud guitar coming from behind a closed door...when I don't see a light on at two in the morning and sigh, "Why can't he go to bed at a decent hour?" because one day, it will only be dark in there. No light will be shining from underneath the door. Are you crying with me, here? 

And mothers of children who are ready to spread their wings and fly, we sit and worry because we know our kids are going to be out there doing what human beings do..doing what we did (well, hopefully not everything we did.) And that is, make mistakes. 

And we sit here with all the answers because we have been there and we have gained knowledge over the years and if only they would listen to us, we could save them some heartache, some shame, some regrets.

They will learn.  Maybe the hard way, but they will learn. 

I have come to the conclusion that God is sovereign. Profound, huh? No really, if God pursued me and found me and transformed me, a girl who grew up not knowing a thing about Him, than He is certainly watching over my children and is working everything out according to His plan for His glory. Will it be painless? No. Mothers, if you have raised your children in the Lord----and if you know me you know I don't mean "going to church" because that's only part of it---then join me. Join me in resting in the knowledge that God's word does not come back void. Join me in resting in the knowledge that faith is believing in what's not seen..that things don't have to look all peachy all the time, but we still believe God is doing a work in our kids (and in us...having children has taught me so much!) Join me in handing our worries over to the only One who can do anything with them. 

“Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ”
Elizabeth Stone

Yes, we mamas have to watch our hearts go walking around outside our bodies. Making mistakes, sometimes very painful ones. Being hurt. Facing consequences. 

But realize that, like the sleepless nights and the toys all over the floor, this is just a season. Our kids have to figure out life for themselves. They will remember what they have been taught. Don't think they have forgotten just because you don't see them living it right away. And remember to love them with your actions, not just your words. You might hate their music. So what, love them. You might hate their choice of language. So what, love them. You might hate their boyfriend or girlfriend. So what, love them. You might hate the movie they just said they watched. So what, love them. 

I see a little boy in his Spiderman undies who, right before my very eyes turned into a young man, ready to go out into the world. He will never again sit in that chair, watching Johnny Bravo or Powerpuff Girls. I am excited about what his future holds because I know Who holds his future. 

I love you so very much, son. You are my heart walking around outside of my body.

Mamas, cherish every moment, good, bad, heartwarming or annoying...it will be gone before you know it! 

For His glory alone,

genesis